a treasure khauv

So my most recent ramblings have been about finding yourself, staying grounded and being more in touch with your spiritual side so as not to be propelled into your adult life an ass face.

As you may have deduced, the religious path I identify myself with is Buddhism. And traditionally, Buddhists are vegetarian. Now, my friends and family know me to be slightly choosey about my cuts of meat. (Can I just say: if it ain’t fillet take it away.) So in the past making the switch to vegetarianism would not be a big issue. I like my vegetables. Potato chips are vegetarian, right? I don’t see any evidence in Buddhist scripture about trans fats..

All seriousness silliness aside, today I made an active effort to cook the first entry into my vegetarian menu. Partly to test my skills as a novice chef, partly to see if I really could maintain a vegetarian diet should this spiritual path take a turn down the seriously committed route but mostly for my vegetarian friends, S & A. So S & A are vegetarian, and yes they are super religious Buddhists too - how convenient. Eating out with them was a little difficult don’t get me wrong. I’d feel guilty for ordering legged protein while they ate things that grew from the ground. Gym junkie, wannabe health conscious me sitting opposite skinny minny pretty and, to the bystanders there at the time, healthy young girls chomping down a small petting zoo. I’m sure if I’d stopped to breathe or even chew my food my appetite would not have been so monstrous due to sheer guilt and social contrast between the three of us. What I was trying so hard to achieve, they had. And they were in control, and flaunting it. Every young woman in the restaurant would be seething and loving to hate S & A’s guts right now. Well, what little gut they have left to be accurate. So I changed my choice of restaurants when eating with them. They are not the typical skinny minnies, so take off those judgmental hats - it’s rude when a lady is in the room. They DO NOT eat salads. I’ll give you a moment to pop your eyeballs back into their sockets and to pick up your jaws. 

Yes, that’s right. S&A do not eat salad. They dislike salads. For us dieters and weight losers it’s a common ground. But what the hell do they eat then?! Don’t vegetarians, y’know, eat …leaves? And thus began my secret observational study on such exotic creatures, S&A. I’d go out with them and watch their eating habits, making mental notes what they ordered, asked deliberate questions as to “why don’t you get….”. Oh, relax! I’m only joking. We went to dessert houses and stuffed ourselves with trans fats, okay? Happy now? Geez. I’m not THAT creepy and weird. 

But they whole experience did inspire me to widen my cooking repertoire. Don’t worry, you won’t be seeing me on any reality cooking shows any time soon. I’m not that kind of a cook. (Besides, a reality show could not capture my huge personality and antics to portray me accurately ;P )

I remembered in high school, back in Home Economics class we cooked minestrone soup. And when I repeated it at home my super picky and uptight-about-food-grandma LOVED it. Well, she approved of it and offered countless ways of improving it. Whatever. Point is: minestrone soup is yummy and can be vegetarian. However, these days I’m seeing a lot of bacon added into the soups to add flavour etc. Don’t get me started on the horrors of bacon-related recipes I’ve witnessed. Unsatisfied with the recipes I read online and in ancient cookbooks I have on my shelves, I embarked on creating a vegetable soup from scratch. (Cue the oooh’s and ahhh’s now)

In the pot: onion, garlic, tomato paste, fresh tomatoes, zucchini, celery, carrots, potatoes, water, pasta and pepper. 

In the dining area: full bellies, and clean plates.

It was an enjoyable dish to cook. Lots of fun and joy as the anticipation grew. Too eager to see what it was going to turn out like. Delighted with the results!  

So, til next time, bon appetite!

Sometimes I wish I was stupid. If I was stupid, I wouldn’t be so ambitious. And if I wasn’t so ambitious, I wouldn’t be disappointed so often. Life as a simpleton, but without the simple - are we chasing after the unobtainable??

Gone are the days of still waters. I see ripples just a little closer than the horizon. If there was a time to delve into the practice of meditation, it’s definitely now. Dive in head first I tells ya! GO, GO, GO!!!

Don’t forget a butt cushion. And insect repellant. Never meditate without insect repellant unless you like the swollen polka dotted look.

Now, breathe in and “Ommmmmm..”

I needed you today. More than ever today I really needed your shoulder, ear and advice. I turned towards you and that space was empty. It was like I was just about to commit a huge crime or make a life changing decision and needed guidance, understanding, discussion. But, you just weren’t there anymore. I felt lost, and helpless.

I miss you. I miss your presence in my life. It’s not like I’ve cut you out. You’ve actually left me for greener pastures. Or that’s how I feel anyway. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like losing my hold on self-sufficiency. So I made the decision that was to be made. I took one more step up on the ladder to adulthood today. I wish you were here. I feel like I’m fumbling in the dark. In someone else’s world. It’s foreign and I’m afraid, reluctant. For I am a child and need someone to hold my hand through this. I’m running before I can walk properly. I need your help. 

But who am I to ask you to leave your paradise, your happiness, your own independence to cater to my fears and worries? I dislike that we’ve fallen into mainstream social expectations that stop me from asking you for help. I hate that if I do approach you it won’t be a private matter between us anymore. I hate that there’s no sense of sisterhood between us anymore. I really miss you. 

Today was a milestone for me. I hope it was the last of its kind. It was terrible. And had potential to be seriously dangerous. I handled the situation professionally - went into robot mode because it was the only way I knew to handle things at the time. In truth, I had no idea what was going on and what I needed to do. I was completely disadvantaged. It hit me, how unprepared for independent life I am. It frustrates me that I’ve realised this right now. I don’t want to take that step back in my pursuit for freedom. I refuse to regress in my progress. But I fear I’ll be living a substandard quality of life if I continue stumbling along. 

We’re all accustomed to hearing the phrase “people change”. I’d always scoffed at that phrase. I believed people were meant to be the way they are. You can fight it as best you can, you can resist your innate programming as hard as you can but in the end your true colours will be revealed. I trusted a stranger today. Something my parents have warned me not to do because the real world will screw you over every chance it gets. Especially so when times are getting tough, people’s true colours emerge yet they blame it on desperation and the need to survive. Don’t get me wrong, not everyone’s true self is evil and treacherous. But I do believe the ones who have pure souls will be wronged time and time again. Unless they band together. I don’t want to be beaten down. I’m afraid I won’t be able to recover from repeated blows of reality.

So, like our forefathers and their fathers before them, I’m turning to religion in these troubling moments of my young life. I’m turning to spiritual guidance and hoping my soul, heart and liver will be cleansed. I hope to achieve peace within myself and gain strength to walk with purpose, head held high, chest filled with pride and to gain the confidence to believe I’ll do well in this life. 

I don’t blame you for what I’ve decided. No one has pushed my hand in moving towards a path I had not seen myself taking in this lifetime. I just wanted to let you know, keep you informed of my thoughts and actions. I don’t expect you’d read this. But I hope that if you ever get a moment to stop and take a breath and look back you’ll understand where I’m at and how I’m feeling.

People change. I’ve changed. My eyes have been widened just that little bit more. I’m not using religion as an escape. But as a way of life and possibly a coping mechanism for all the onslaught of “life” which I, an young people everywhere, are expected to face head on.

I hope you are well. 

Regards,

Nina

So I sat down earlier this week to write my annual round of christmas cards, complete with new year greetings and well wishes. It’s a joyous occasion. Writing the cards makes me happy and proud to be part of an otherwise crazy family. It’s traditions like these that I love - the ones that cement the meaning of family into our minds and hearts.

But this year my heart was left somewhat hollow. Hollow is the wrong word, I mean to say partially filled with the warm happy feelings I usually get when addressing my relatives. It was like my heart is a bucket that has a hole in it, so no matter how much water you pour in it it will never fill completely. That hole was given to me by my Gong and Ma.

Their passing this year has meant I now have one card spare. One stamp left over and one entry in my address book collecting dust whilst fading away.

This realisation has made me think about the people still in my life and how I need to appreciate them more for what they do for me and how they shape and mold me into the young woman I am. Next year my resolution is to be kinder to people.

Love you Gong and Ma. I’ll write you soon.

One subject left to conquer. And usually I re-evaluate my life and the happenings of the year around about this time. 

My life is not hard. It’s complicated. It’s messy. Some people say it’s an excuse I use to avoid being independent because I complain about it so much but never do anything about it. I try not to let the negatives in my head but tonight I really had to stop and re-think my mode of thinking.

I let some negatives in. And I think that may be the thing that’s stunting my growth into adulthood. I’ve been stuck in my own shitty world for WAY too long. I’m stifled and am suffocating from the comfort and familiarity. It’s time to grow up. 

Big step for the little girl with princess syndrome. I have the ability to change my surroundings, I need to muster the confidence and balls to do so. It took a severed relationship for me to come to this realisation and I hope I don’t regret it. To that cast away mate I’d like to admit that you were right. Everything you said was true. I’m not a good person and I knew it. I was just too convinced that I was hiding it well enough. But not from you. Quiet, smiley, easygoing you. I guess my bullshit was too much for your good nature to handle. Thank you for cutting the poison out of your life and throwing it back in my face. Thank you for forcing me to deal with it.

There be rough time ahead mateys. Rough times ahead indeed. 

My name is Nina, and I’m not a good person. I acknowledge that fact and hope to make steps towards becoming a better person and member of the wider community to which I would like to identify myself with.

Although I don’t deserve it, I ask for your patience during my time of repentance. 

An insect flew right into my right medial canthus as I was studiously concentrating on ocular disease diagnosis. I think that bitch is still swimming around in my tear lake…soaking up all my ocular nutrients like a mother effing parasite.

GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT, GET. IT. OUUUTTT!!!!

15 years ago, in a similar situation:

“ngaww, MUM!!!”

“Sorry dear, don’t think a bandaid will help this one..”

Asian parents, building their kids on resilience. Australia says GIVE THEM AN EFFING BANDAID!! Or a lid eversion with copious amounts of ocular irrigation…it’s all the same: FIRST AID. werd.

So it kinda hurts when someone keeps a secret from you. Even the “harmless” white lies. In my opinion, the only lies are the ones you use in the process of setting up a prank or surprise gift/party. You know, the type of lie which everybody (AND I MEAN EVERYBODY - including the person whom the lie was supposed to exclude) can enjoy and laugh about immediately after the cat is let out of the bag. That’s an acceptable lie. When all is revealed and no one is hurt. These are almost exclusive to the scenarios described above.

You cannot tell a lie about relationships, opinions on other people, dress size, qualifications etc without hurting someone else or making yourself look like an absolute fool. True? More or less, right? The point I’m making is: telling lies or keeping things from people HURTS them.

So how do you think I felt when I found out my relationship with (excuse the use of a pseudoname here) J was a lie. I shared EVERYTHING, I was candid, open and brutally honest about myself and my past. I was true to myself and my personality when conversing with this individual but I frequently got nothing. Yes, J was supportive of my beliefs, mood swings and moments of temporary madness and loss of all sense and logic. Sometimes J was too supportive: “You totally lost weight! You’re thinner than I last saw you! Stop withering away!” Umm, no J, I actually gained 8 kilos since last year. 

Yeah, I shoulda known the relationship status was not reciprocated. The lies were blatantly obvious. But is it really my fault? My fault for believing the good in people, that it is difficult to express one’s feelings for another human being? Because that’s what I am - a human being! Is it my fault for expecting to be treated like one?

Yes, I can be crazy and intimidating or scary when I feel strongly about certain issues, but I’m no weakling. If you don’t like me, TELL ME. If I’m pissing you off or something I do is annoying - TELL ME. I adore my friends, I do. I keep them around because I trust them and honestly believe what they say and I value their opinions. But with J, I thought we were more than that. We were family. 

I stupidly believed we were like siblings. The sister I never had. But the most exciting and sisterly things we should have squealed about together and facebook-stalked about you didn’t even hint to me was happening. I just got the same broadcast message as the general public. And that was hurtful.

Not that you kept this from me. But because our relationship was not what I believed it to be. So yeah, I guess it’s partly my fault too. It was my fault for believing in you and the type of person you are and the position you had in my heart.

You wanna be free? Go, I’ll open the gate and you gallop off into the sunset. I won’t hold you back anymore. Oh, and don’t bother looking back - coz I won’t be there either.

Scornfully yours,

Nina